you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
