Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
