I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
did i just pee glitter
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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