We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
