3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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