I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
