Someone shit on the floor
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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