The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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