I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
