Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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