i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize