Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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