Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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