and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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