I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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