how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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