When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
