The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
