wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
