dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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