fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize