Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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