I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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