You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
