Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
