She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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