he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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