Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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