im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
