wrigley field is MILF paradise
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
