On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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