I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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