I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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