do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
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