Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
