Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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