I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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