sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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