My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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