i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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