i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
