my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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