meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Found your dick twin last night
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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