I hate your face
literally had 100 drinks last night.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I am available for nakedness
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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