she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
