Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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