i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
