If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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