Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
