i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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