Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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