I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just tell him i said nine months
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
