are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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