on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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