she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
