would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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