I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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