Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
