mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
