if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
