When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
There r osticjed everywhere
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
