Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
