If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
